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.:: ink my <3 out ::.

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is it fucking summertime yet. [11 Apr 2007|10:37am]
[ mood | Much better now, thank you ]

Okay, its been quite some time and alot has happend. And for some reasion I feel the need to vent; so here I go:

School is going and baby its almost over YEAH!! I'm so excited for summer. Sylvie and I are moving into our Apartment/ town house thing May 1st and I just cant wait to move out of the fucking dorms. School itself is going okay... I'm just ready for it to be over already.

I got a job at the Quarter Circle restruant....hoorah~ money is cool... working blows.

my kitty ranaway the other day and I still cant find her... I'm so sad I really miss that little shit. 

I got my lip and my belly button peariced... cool

Amadeus and I are still together. I took him home the other weekend to meet the fam bam... I took him to my cousin Sara's wedding... it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got absolutly hammered with my fam and I guess they really like him which is awesome. I'm worring about summer time.. I wont ever get to see him, at least not as oftin as I'd like. He says he loves me, and I love him too, very much. and I think thats why I'm so worried about summer time. I dont want to lose this love that I have found (or found me). I know he loves me, I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, I can feel it in his kiss, and when we have sex, its really and truely making love, and it is beautiful. He said that if we were older he'd ask me to marry him... it kinda scared me. I dont want to get married anytime soon... but if I ever do I would really like it to be him that I walk down the aile to. I could see myself growing old with him... having his kids, helping him become a dirty old man haha. There is just something about the way he holds me that I cant explain. I dont sleep as well alone, as I do in his arms. hes my best friend. I want to be with him all the time. I think about him all the time. I have never felt the way I do about anyone else but him.  We've been together 6 months... (HOLY SHIT...) but it only feels like a few weeks. Its crazy I usualy get fed up in a relationship within the first two weeks to a month... but he has kept my intrest captive for 6 short, sweet, and beautiful months. I want to be with him forever. and I'm scared that I wont.  I'm scared that I wont want to be with him forever... because I love the feeling he gives me, I love the smile he intices from me, I love the way my heart beats faster when his hands are around my waist. I LOVE HIM. and I dont want that feeling to ever fade. 

I miss Hannah. I miss my mom and Da. I miss my MIA kitty. I miss summertime .... oh wont summer hurry up and come.

lie to me

from the page to the stage. [28 Nov 2006|11:59am]
[ mood | horny ]

Its insane to think that I only have two more weeks until the end of my first semester in college. 
Its weird to think that matt is turning 20 this year. 
Its crazy knowing that my life has started a new chapter, and there is no going back.

Amadus and I have been together for a while now, yet it still feels like I'm just getting to know him. He is unlike anyother guy I've ever dated. I dont know if that is a good thing, or a bad thing; we dont "go out". He rarely holds my hand, hasnt kissed me infront of other people (with the exception of Zubin and Sylvie). but when he hasnt seen me for a while, he will grab me and pull me to him, his kisses make me weak at the knees. My whole Thanksgiving break I was thinking about him... wondering if he was thinking about me. But I dont know how to act around him, I dont know what to say... I've never been short with words, yet he keeps me speachless. Last night I was wearing his shirt because it was a big warm flanel shirt... and he said " you sure can wear a mans shirt well" HAHA. it was cute. even now, I want him to show up at my door so I can boink his brains out!!!! 

I finaly cleaned and re-organized my room... its about time... i can finaly see my floor again haha and the kittens can have a place to play now. they are getting bigger, so friggen cute!!! I love them! I dont know what I'm going to do with them over Chirstmas... I think my mom is alergic haha oopsy. I put ribbons on the kittens, they hate them... its probably the funnest thing ever watching them be all pissed trying to get the ribbons off muahaha. so cute. 

the days seem to be going by so slowly, yet I am behind somehow.

lie to me

[08 Nov 2006|11:00am]
[ mood | tired ]

Amadus asked me to be his girl...
I still dont know what to tell him.
I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone
 that I am actually sexualy and emotionaly atracted to..
I wouldnt know how to act around him.
we had a little afternoon delight yesterday.
I just hope that I can keep my head straight.
this love shit is complacated. 

the night before Am asked me out,
I had a little thing with this guy Josh from my choir class
I still havnt told Am. 
Josh is probably the hottest thing that I've ever seen, 
and before he kissed me, I was thinking to myself`;
"there is no way, he is so far out of my legue its not even funny."
and then he kisses me. 

boys are trouble. 
I dont know what to do. 
I think I'm falling for Am...
yet I have this animal sexual attraction to Josh
0o0oh boy.... 

Other than the love life, everything seems to be running smoothly
I've been turing in painting after painting...
keeping my studies up.
although I didnt go to any of my classes for like a week...
but I'm keeping up.. I just have so much to do
and its hard doing it all by myself haha
never thought I'd miss my parents telling me what to do
and just how to do it. 
but I do.
I miss them so much.

I miss stinky pete more and more everyday...
I miss her laugh.
she is my rock.
the only other person I know
that could trip acid and carry on an intelegent conversation until 
6 oclock in the morning.
there is noone else out there like her.
we have this connection that I havnt found in any other person.
I miss her.
I miss our talks.

the kittens are soo cute.
but such a pain..
they always atack me when I'm sleeping. 
or painting
or sitting anywhere near them
they'll climb up my back
and up my leggs when I'm sitting at my comp.
I have sraches all over me!
but they are so cute.
and so little
and so in need of lovin.
My dad wants me to get rid of them.
they hate cats.
lol I think thats why I like them so much
I still have a little rebelion left in me.

I got a ticket the other night....
for smoking in my room....
oh well. its college right?

always dreaming...

lie to me

Poem [02 Nov 2006|12:43pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I've been dreaming 
for the last five days
ever seince I saw you
through the looking glass
pounding on your piano, pretending to smile.
I've been sleeping 
for the past five days
waiting for you to
wake me with your smile.
and the kiss you left, took away my breath
and its been five days
and I'm still sleep walking
day dreaming of your fingers running through my hair
nights screaming with your hands running everywhere. 
and though our kisses are stolen 
far from the view of prying eyes
this romance remains innocent
unchanged by words and lables. 
yet time is changing, turning the tables
I said I didnt want for this to go anywhere
I said that I didnt feel anything other than lust
now you've gained my trust.
and my heart can nolonger remain passive
I'm indecisive
for how many days to wait
for just what is at stake
just as long as I keep my distance
but your kiss is persistant.
but its only been five days
sense I closed my eyes and dared to dream
but when you pull me close I just want to scream.
I guess I will just have to wait and see
through a nother five days 
of sleep.

lie to me

I dont even know where to begin. [11 Oct 2006|04:52pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Last weekend was...well, I cant really find a word to descibe how bi-polar, and intense it was.  I guess we can start with Friday afternoon when my Brosif picked me up to go home officalily for the first time sense college started.  We laughed so hard.. I hate to say it, but I miss him. After we had been home and chatted with the parents... we went off our own ways to see MSHS play their homecoming game... we won 44 to 0. Later I got a call from my father telling me that our cousin had died... he was only 17, a senior at Harrison High School. Died on the football feild, of heart failure. It was the first time his father has ever gone to watch him play. We met up at the hospital, I had never seen so many crying mexicans in my life.... the ER was full of destressed people crying in spanish. The surcurity guard was stumped when everyone wanted to go back to see the preist give my cousin his last rights. Sitting there in the ER writing a poem, I am still stunned. He was such a wonderful guy, no harsh words to be spoken... always smiling, quiet/ shy even, it just wasnt fair. His poor mother... I talked to his younger brother Exaiver... his eyes seemed to empty, trying to be strong for his mother. I keep having dreams about him..

Saturday I went with my mom to drop some things off for the family... walking into that house full of people sitting around drinking and crying, and talking.... I just couldnt stay there. I've gotten close with my mother and father sense I've moved out... I miss them more than they will ever know. Later that night after having dinner with my family, I went out to get my mind of things... Hung out with Amber... she still knows how to get er dun. haha. We had fun.. After most everyone had gone to bed.. I took Gabe home... yeah, thats right, he moved back to the springs and I was soo excited to see him. But things werent the same, and I feel foolish to think that things would be. He will always be my childhood sweetheart, my first love.. but I cant keep running back to him, he nolonger is on the same path as I am. He still has not graduated from HS, and he is working at a gas station... don't get me wrong that will get shit done for him right now... but hes not really going anywhere... while I'm constantly on the move. 

I never thought I'd be here, I didnt think I'd make it. But here I am, out of Manitou, out of my parents house, out on my own and loving it. I miss my friends more than anything in the world... I miss knowing I would always have someone to go to when I'm feeling down. tommorw I'm going back down to c springs to get la la and leila because on friday we're going to durango to see stinkypete. I cant wait. For now I'm just trying to keep my chin up and my head clear.

lie to me

[05 Oct 2006|02:09pm]
[ mood | high ]

losing intrest in what used to be important. 
finding that stolen kisses seem to mean the most. 
and missing the smiles i took for granted. i took for granted

torn.        for this future that i've been holding on to
isn't quite what i expected.      yet
surprises find themselves in the corners of your mouth when you smile. when you smile.

beside myself because

high as a kite and you can't bring me down anymore.

I read through this thing last night, reliving those old memories good and bad. l laughed at some of the things we thought were so fretful, and I wanted to cry at times at the things that might have scared me the most. The smelly Hippy and I almost had sex the other night. ha ha. insted we fell asleep in each others arms. Gabe moved back down to the springs and aparently is "talking on you (me) like your  his girl" .. what do you say to that? Stinky pete came to see me last weekend, she was up here for less than two hours and we decided to drive down to Manitou for one night... It was one of the best nights of my life. We triped balls with Little Sister and laughed and cried and talked all night... it was wonderful there is noone else out there like those two girls. I am in love with them, they are my soul mates. I'm going down again this weekend for MSHS homecoming. tee hee. It should be a good time!  well, I'm off to choir!!! I love Choir.. specaily when I talk to john!!! we think our Choir teacher is the best.. Harvey!!!! He has to be the cutest old man alive!!!! anywho c y'all soon~

lie to me

[08 Sep 2006|01:59pm]
WHOA. Its been a fucking long ass time!!! so lets recap what you have all missed::

x.X. Prom was kick ass, I went with the most Beautiful guy I've ever seen, jacob is so damn sexy. thanks Boi
x.X. I was named the poetry slam champion of CO (fuck yeah)
x.X. I graduated from hs... (an even bigger FUCK YEAH!)
x.X. This summer was amazing!
x.X. spent with my closest friends, making some of the best memories I will ever have.
x.X. Met boi tom
x.X. Loved boi tom.
x.X. Left boi tom and all of my dear friends for college
x.X. went backpacking for seven fucking amazing days!!!
x.X. learned so much about myself hiking up two mountains in two days
x.X. started classes...made some friends
x.X. Miss the way things used to be... but also excited to be the one decideing my future from now on!!

so much has happend, so much has gone by so fast. I almost lost my grip. 
the days seemed to go by faster and faster falling into the atomosphere
buring memories into my minds eye
I dream about the time we cried all day
and you pushed me out into the world via a freezing cold creek 
and I fell hard and fast but I have yet to stop breathing.
beause when I hit the water all I felt was your smile warming me.

new beginnings are upon us.
time to write my own story my own future.
bring it on mofos 
lie to me

[05 Apr 2006|09:49pm]
life seems to be moving slowly
even now when it should be going by fast.
I'm so close to the end of high school,
I'm so close i can taste it.
I've been dreaming of you lately.
can't seem to get you off my mind.
I dream of your kiss,
and with out you here
I feel like I'm missing something.
I'm missing you.

will you go to prom with me?
1lied × lie to me

[14 Mar 2006|01:48pm]
[ mood | cold ]

thinking of you today....

lie to me

[25 Jan 2006|08:55am]
there is a soft empty place for you, stilled in my heart.
and although you're present in my thoughts.... i miss you still.

sleeping uneasy
wondering if you're awake.
dont let me drift off with out you.

i feel lost
i'm panicing.
like a four-year-old

"we have a lost mommy,
will Brooklyn's mommy come
to customer service"

But its not my mommy i'm looking for
its you.

where did you run off to?
2lied × lie to me

[19 Dec 2005|10:45pm]
[ mood | dreamy ]

tonight was Beautiful <3...

thank you, thank you for tonight. whom/ what ever is watching over me... thank you for tonight. He was sweet. He was intelecual, and lucid. He was witty and inviting; warm and raw in the same breath. We're so different; think from two different minds. Yet he intices me to smile; he finds ways of taking me breathless, wishing he was mine.

thank you, thank you for tonight; ending early with little caution.


I know I will dream of you .....
        <3 <3

2lied × lie to me

i've got a kiss in my pocket ♥ [12 Dec 2005|06:56pm]
and its just for you..............
1lied × lie to me

just for tonight [10 Dec 2005|11:44pm]
[ mood | buzzed ]

i'm sitting here again and i'm still at a loss;
as to how it is i got here.
how i ended up where i am.
what was the last choice i made
that put me on the path to this place? 
where is my faith?
where is my hope?
and where the fuck is my heart?

the question is no longer how i got here. 
rather its how am i going to get out?
which way do i go?
what did i do to deserve to be here?
and whose ass do you have to kiss to get out of here?
it seems like i've been running
around in circles for the past 8 years.
it feels like i've slept forever
yet i'm not rested at all.

 yet there you are, a vision of hope.
a smile grows when i see you.
"hows the night on your side of the sky?"
words you speak in a soft sweet voice.
as i hide beneath the safty of your arm,
i find your fingers lightly dancing with strands of hair.
i find your lips graceing my finger-tips.
i find your eyes gazeing into mine. 
skin to skin, lip to lip.
and i know its going to be okay.
i know its going to be just fine.

at least for tonight.

and if i could i'd stay here with you.
never leave your sight
i'd kiss you forever
i'd make tonight last
if i could i'd keep you with me
never let you go.
i feel safe in your arms
no harm can come to me
as long as your here
and i'm happy with you
things will turn out alright
i'm safe from all things

at least for tonight

so let me rest here in your arms
let me kiss you good night
let me dream of love
for when tomorrow comes
and you are gone
i'll be left with a memory
so let me pretend
that things are good
let me feel the love in your touch
let me kiss you goodnight
as you break me down

at least for tonight

i may not know how i got here
i may not know how to leave
but under the influence of the night
i feel at ease

at least for tonight.

lie to me

[06 Dec 2005|03:29pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i am hored out of my mind. we're playing hang man in my jornalism class. its hillarous. i watched ancorman last night for the billionth time. and its still funny.

i need to get away. i'm excited for spring break. i have to top last years spring break. and last years spring break was awesome. i just didnt go home for the whole week and i plan on doing it again this year. i would like to go boarding up in the mountains this year... just party in the snow. get all kinds of wasted at night and board all day. now i just have to figure out who to invite. amber has never been snowboarding so i have to take her. maybe desi would want to go. but she backs out on all the plans we make. maybe liz and kalia and connie. but i dont know if they board or ski. but even if i do get all these people together.. it costs mega money to rent and get a lift ticket. and we are all wicked poor. i dont know...i really dont care. i just want to make sure that this years' spring break was just as good, if not better than last years. i have to think of something to do. i'd like to go camping but i bet it will be wicked ass cold. i have a caben in south park we can chill at. i have time to think about it.

this weekend was alright i went to new mexico. party in albaqurque.

lie to me

[15 Nov 2005|08:47am]
things have been going rather slow lately. i'm trying to be optamistic... but that seems hopeless. i'm so tired of everyone. i'm so tired of this place. i need to get out of here and move on to college. i hate it here. i wish summer to come. i hate winter. i hate everything. i just want to go home. but no, i cant. i have to say here and work on things that frustrate me. work on things that intimadate me. i'm so tired. i'm so lonley. Gabe called me saturday morning. fresh cuts heal slow. i'm so tired. i'd like to go home. but i'm suck here. surrounded by all these people who dont care. who dont know me. who dont want to. i hate this place. i need saving. i need to cry. i need to get out of here. fuck this place. and everyone in it. i'm so tired. i'm so lonely.
7lied × lie to me

ahhh [11 Nov 2005|08:02am]
[ mood | ehh ]

i'm so tired. and gay ass myspace is blocked at school. and i dont have the internet at home. lame.

1lied × lie to me

[20 Oct 2005|09:30am]
EveryDay there is less and Less to say.
i'm fighting my way just to sleep tonight.
i miss you.
you called last night
i didnt have the heart to answer.
lie to me

[03 Oct 2005|08:54am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

hey kids!!!

so hows it going?
that good eh?
well here are things that have been going on in my life that are sure to cheer you emo kids up!!!

i was suspended from school for absolutly nothing...even my parents agree. and every one at school thinks i'm a drug dealer.. ahaha nope... i've quit smokeing all together i'm just going to get drunk a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got a new puppy!!! its soooo cute

i have no friends who really care.

i broke up with gabe.

and everything else is great

2lied × lie to me

[14 Sep 2005|10:45am]
[ mood | sick ]

so its been a year. its crazy to think that a year ago i was in so deep. a year ago i didnt know what i was going to do. where i was going to go. or even who i was. and now a year later here i am feeling those feelings only in simpathy. i might just be crazy, i might just be bi-polar. or maybe its seasonal depression. all i know is that i dont want to go back there. i dont want to see that side of the fence any more. its time to forgive myself. forgive myself for things that i could not control. for things that i never wanted to do in the first place.

gabe and i are... well i dont even know if we "are" anything anymore. i haddent talked to him in like 2 weeks and he called me last night at like 9 to ask if i knew where he could get any coke. fucking retarded. it really upset me. but i am too sick to cry. to tired to mope. and to busy to be depressed. i've officaly started on the path of quitting smokeing. i only had one ciggarette yesterday..it was nice..

apparently i'm the big stoner on campus.fuck them. fuck everyone. its me against the world. i'm fighting a war.. but i'm on both sides. i hate both sides. i feel so alone. so empty. i just dont know what to do anymore. its been a year.. yet i'm still in the same place.

1lied × lie to me

its been a while. [08 Sep 2005|08:02am]
[ mood | amused ]

sorry its been so long sense i've up dated...

here are some things you missed:

♥ school has started up and things are running smooth.
♥ i'm the editor of the school news paper, prez of the poetry slam team, vice prez of the drama club, and most every one considers me a "party girl". hahaha
♥ my birthday has come and gone...and the only thing i have to show for it is the bench warrent that was out for my arrest.
♥ i havent talked to my boyfriend in a long ass time... i dont think thats going to last much longer. and it sucks.
♥ i miss gabe.
♥ independent art class is boring...

i'll try and update more often. just to keep in touch.

lie to me

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